Wasn’t 2012 a wild ride? Tik Tok challenges from that time included biting into tide pods, walking on precariously stacked milk crates, and downing copious amounts of things like nutmeg, benadryl, and salt.
To us adults, teens seemed all too willing to follow an invisible pied piper to dangerous places. This was perplexing and frightening as we watched it unfold.
But why would a teen be motivated for such “challenges” when simply doing laundry or handing in school work can seem so impossible for so many?
The logic and rationale of an adult just doesn’t align with such contradictory behaviors. But to a teen, a Tik Tok challenge makes perfect sense based on what they value and motivates them more than anything else:
- Understanding their social standing with peers
- Status
- Respect
Challenges offer an instantaneous discovery of all three things and because of this, teens see them as more instructive than destructive.Feedback is a guarantee with each stunt. The degree of physical harm that lies ahead is undetermined and therefore worth being risked.
Ever notice how these acts were done in front of crowds and cameras? I followed these trends closely on the nightly news. Though I can’t prove the absence of something, I’d wager not one teen took on a challenge privately without at least one peer present.
Things that we often want teens to do- like laundry, walking the dog, and handing in school work- are much more solitary and private, definitely not risky or exciting.
What we want teens to do can be cast in a similar context to dangerous behavior. Good outcomes can be achieved when the teen’s behavior signals competency to their peers. A few examples- Hygiene, achievement, and altruism.
Like many a winter jacket in December, a teen’s hygiene can be neglected at great lengths. That is, until it begins to costs them a dating opportunity. At a large scale, Middle schools become overrun with fragrance products as being the appearance of “clean” starts to matter to its students.
Even school work and achievement can work towards giving adolescents status if it’s prized among their cohort of peers. Just ask any high school Advanced Placement teacher. Loads of students upsell their good grades when they believe their peers are watching and sizing them up.
Lastly, consider altruistic behavior. If the ice bucket challenge taught us anything, it’s that being helpful can become cool. No pun intended.
In short, when prestige and status are seen as a reward, young people step up.
This is scary stuff and proof that teens need their parents. If caregivers and stakeholders can’t have credibility with young people, their peers or strangers on the internet will fill that void. They need to be surrounded with genuinely caring adults and they need to embrace them. Clearly, understanding what motivates them is important for all of us. Through this understanding, young adults can develop on their own terms and we remain part of that process.
This is the realm of family work- helping parents regain credibility as they try to guide their young-adult children. A family therapist wants teens/adolescents to “rehire” their parents as trusted advisors. This “rehiring” is a deeply rich and emotional process for everyone involved. It is not something parents typically figure out mid stream because problems present themselves in such confusing and scary terms. Logic among teens seems to go out the window. But, they have their own way of thinking and experiencing the world that needs to be understood and validated. With the guidance of a seasoned, caring therapist, a relational shift can happen and big changes can follow. When it does, it is truly magical.
If you’d like to find out how a family therapist can help you help your teen navigate the difficult landscape of modern times, I’d be honored if you set up a free consultation with me.