One interesting paradox about the human experience is just how captivated we can get when something bothers us. It is all too easy skip the main course because we make a meal out of the “small potatoes” life throws us. Recognizing our over reactions to small things and then mitigating those reactions are two survival skills necessary to flourish in a civilized society. They also reduce our suffering when we are alone with our thoughts.
Since elementary years, each of us has been given advice on how to regulate our emotions with our thoughts. A lot of it wasn’t helpful. I’ve labeled two examples below as “bad” advice. Fortunately, research in the field of neuroscience and the advancing field of therapy with evidenced based practices are creating a paradigm shift. I label findings from these fields as “better advice” because I don’t want you, dear reader, to be disillusioned that emotional regulation is a destination. It is a journey. Calling it “good” advice would imply a ‘completeness’ to what I’m putting down.
Give it a read, and please, if you’d like to live in the space of “better” set up a free 15-minute consultation so that we can discuss your more productive direction.
Bad Advice:
#1 – “Just ignore [the small potato].”
Well, good luck with that. While you’re at it, don’t think of a white hippopotamus. As we’ll see below, it is actually incomplete advice.
#2 – “Sit still. Breathe slowly.”
This actually has the effect of further activating the amygdala and sympathetic nervous system. (Respectively the ’emotion center of the brain’ and the nervous circuitry association with action).
Better Advice:
#1 – Distraction
Our memories are available to us at anytime. The more enjoyable, the more effective it is at distracting us from something that bothers us.
When I lie awake angry over something outside of my control, I think of a memory I have designated for that time; it is of my nephew, aged 3 at the time, bursting out of his little tykes car and gleefully hugging my legs on a summer morning. The more sensory information tied to the memory, the more powerful it is. When I call on this memory, I focus on details such as the time of day (mid morning), smell (morning dew on the grass and the driveway drying), and the feeling in my chest when it happened (I wasn’t expecting it). I’m truly beaming as I type this. Literally smiling with joy. This memory was from 5 years ago.
Not all distraction has to be an unassisted mind trick. During the day I pull up pictures of my niece, listen to music on spotify, eat snack food, and solve sudoku. All count as excellent distraction techniques when I catch myself getting irritated.
#2 – Reframe: Add The Correct Context To The Situation
A friend of mine gracefully navigates work stress by telling herself, “this is just a place.” Her ability to handle stress has led to a great reputation as being patient, competent, and (like I accidentally typed at the beginning of this) “graceful.” Her emotional regulation doesn’t happen spontaneously. She has found ways to frame things with the right context so that she doesn’t react in such a way that she pays for it later. I, as a certified “over reactor”, try to take a page from her book when I can.
Lately, my spin on reframing has been to think of international headlines. For example, when I’m stressed because I’m stuck in traffic, I think “there is not a single person in Gaza or Ukraine who wouldn’t switch places with me at this exact moment.” Sometimes I simply tell myself “this too shall pass.” I’m both pleased and surprised to report they do work at mitigating an angry response and making a situation worse.
Response Strategies vs. Antecedent: The difference between the “Bad” and the “Better”
The work of Dr. James Gross of Stanford helped make the power of antecedent strategies salient. He showed participants disturbing video. Participants that were less disturbed by the footage they watched told themselves things like “this is fake, this is scripted.” That framing provided a layer of protection between stimulus and response.
The “bad” advice listed above is a “response strategy.” While the “better” advice is an “antecedent strategy.” Response strategies focus on HOW we react versus WHAT we react to. Think about the placebo and nocebo effects: whether we experience positive or negative effects of a sugar pill depends on what we tell ourselves about it before we take it. Powerful stuff!
Yes, you may arrive at some of these tactics on your own, but one type of therapy is rich in helping people learn them.
Antecedent strategies are the core of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This is why it’s so effective in helping people regulate their emotions. It is an outstanding, empirically-backed framework with a focus on emotional regulation. I have benefited greatly from its results and use it on an on-going basis. It helps me appraise situations in such a way that my suffering gets minimized or – hopefully – eliminated all-together.
I don’t want you to suffer. If you find yourself falling in the dark hole of daily exasperations and irritations, it is my personal journey to deliver quality therapy to help you find peace. It is an honor to accompany you on this journey. If you are struggling with over reacting, consider setting up a consultation with me to get help.