“Compassion is not sharing in the grief of others. It really is this warm and expansive feeling of wanting to help and wishing others well. It is loving kindness in the presence of suffering.”
-Sam Harris, Daily Meditation November 4th, 2023“You are only as happy as your saddest child.”
-My mom
Let’s say I board an airplane – experiencing feelings of anxiety and discomfort. The last thing I need to see is a pilot going through similar trepidation and apprehension.
The same goes for going under the knife. No patient, pre surgery, wants to witness their nurses and surgeon echo their own sweaty palms or shaky knees.
When we experience a frightening situation, we need a steady rock. A person in charge with a warm, calm, and confident stance. Their years of expertise need to be front and center as they guide us through our own fears and uncertainty.
This is my role as a therapist. But my goal is slightly different. It is to instill a similar sense of stability and steadiness within you as my client. Such a shift in yourself is the first step to improving your relationships and to compassionately be there for the people you care about the most.
A care giver’s vicarious hurt needs a place to go so that warm affirmations and validation can create the space for true helpfulness. This, of course, is the antithesis of apathy. Taking your feelings into account (alongside someone who suffers) is compassion in action.
While sadness is a difficult and nearly guaranteed aspect of a caregiving relationship (see that quote from my own mother at the top), empathizing too intensely with a sad child or partner can have the effect of preventing him or her from reaching out for future help. Therapy, especially attachment based therapy, can help families and couples reach a healthy balance of problem solving and feeling; two ends of the same continuum.
Think of the hypothetical examples mentioned earlier but apply it to mental and emotional health. If depression or anxiety are met with mirrored depression and anxiety, the only guaranteed result is more depression and anxiety.
When lesser, more common aches are met with advice and optimism, it has an undesired effect; feelings of inauthenticity, deception, and trivialization develop within the person sharing their hurt. Certainly, this can make behaviors and problems worse.
My hope for you reading this right now, is that soon you may be the captain of your own life. A captain who can face any tumultuous storm and then look at your passengers with calm and readiness. A twinkle in your eye that says “I know you’re scare, but we got this. Secure your belongings like I did, and let’s go.”
If you are interested in talking about how I can help you reach your own captainhood, schedule a free 15 minute consultation with me.