Recently, I presented at a conference about working in a female-dominated field as a man for nearly 17 years.
As a guy surrounded by so many women – far more therapists, counselors, and clientele are women than men – ignorance and obliviousness have often proved to be my secret talent.
The intricacies of the emotional lives of teen girls were never (and still are not) a test of patience for me. For many years, I have sat in fascination – and with genuine curiosity – at how girls relate to one another and try to survive middle school. A curious ear is a listening ear and that would prove to go very far with female students and clients. Often that, along with some education, was sufficient to help. They usually come ready and willing to sit in a room and talk for an extended period of time.
Talking to boys highlights a different ignorance; their subjective experience is less foreign to me, but it’s trickier to be an effective therapist with them. So many times, boys, young men, and adult males are brought to therapy reluctantly. The result of a consequence or in lieu of a consequence. Like a cactus, boys and young men can develop tough skin and spines that hide a vulnerable interior.
The need for therapy among young men is there for sure. As of 2015, girls were outpacing boys in school behavior (as evidenced by discipline and attendance data), graduation rates, AP course enrollment, college admissions and graduation, and delinquency. I know for certain that there is a deep emotional life behind each of these data points that needs to be acknowledged, connected with, and sorted out.
To my surprise and delight, effective therapy has involved being curious, genuine, and educational. Anchoring conversation and life events to skills, knowledge about how the mind works, and the positive outcomes of understanding that knowledge not only encourages young men, but also becomes the trailhead for a deep emotional life that sets the stage for positive changes. I say this with confidence, because successful therapy has looked like that for me; an angry guy who struggled in school improved his mental health as he learned about himself, his internal machinery, and developed skills to live a better life.