“Mom! The sink is clogged again.” It actually had been clogged for several weeks in a row. Draining receded until it stopped completely. With standing water present, cooking up dinner and bathing the family’s dog would have to be put on hold. Attempts to fix the sink came in various phases. Chemicals were poured in the sink, yet they did nothing but make the standing water smell “clean.” Disassembling the P-trap only revealed an empty pipe. The father of the household stated the obvious, “It must be deeper than we thought.” The oldest son recommended plunging the sink to loosen the blockage. Several messy attempts later, the area surrounding the kitchen sink was wet and the drain remained defunct. Desperate, the mother called a family–friend to snake the sink with a 20–footer. Though he was knowledgeable and a contractor by trade, he was unsuccessful at fixing the drain. “It’s probably blocked close to the foundation of your house.” Eating out and swatting at fruit flies got old with the house’s occupants. Finding a newly–established colony of ants tipped things. Arguments over who to blame for clogging the sink erupted repeatedly. This was the opposite of progress. With no success, it became time for a professional to come in. Plumber #1 After what seemed like too long of a wait, the plumber finally arrived. His panel van sat parked in front of the house directly in the sun. Its sides painted with an advertisement reflected a blue hue onto the house. The family dog was put away so he could work distraction–free. The family made sure to straighten up the kitchen so he could work in a neat environment. After about 3 minutes of looking at the sink, he turned to the family and said, “It’s clogged. You’ll have to use the sink in the first floor bathroom.” He promptly put his tools in his bag and left. “But, that bathroom is much smaller and doesn’t have a disposal!” the mother exclaimed. “Look, just be happy you have two sinks,” the plumber replied. And off he went, leaving the family with a bill of $300. “Is he even a plumber?” the daughter asked, incensed. After looking him up online, she could see that he had credentials and was fully–licensed. The longer they stayed in the kitchen looking at the disarray and bugs, the angrier they became. The dad exploded. The son yelled back. The mom yelled to stop the yelling. The daughter retreated to her room. Plumber #2 The second plumber arrived in the same kind of van with the same credentialing as the first plumber. But, as advertised, he had a different framework. He began by meeting with family members individually and discussed how they arrived at such a clogged sink. Important conversations happened. He demonstrated how to fix a clog so deep, but to the family’s surprise, he didn’t actually fix the clog. “I could fix it for you once. But, I want it to be fixed in such a way that I don’t need to come back and start all over again.” It is very common for plumbers to fix something once and have it be deemed a “success.” He approached the sink with family members close by and handed tools over to them. They practiced before getting to work. With his help, they each took turns fishing for the blockage and turning the crank on the 75” snake. They could each see progress, but it wasn’t linear. Patiently, he remained at their side and encouraged them to continue using their new tools, taking a new approach to the problem. After things cleared, the plumber invited a conversation about their shared understanding of what brought them to this point and what they can do to prevent it in the future. Interpretation This is a story to illustrate the outrage that happens when people pass the buck on a problem instead of fixing it. The shared frustration and inconvenience the family has–because they have to work around a problem instead of through it–gets made worse when a professional comes in and encourages them to do more of the same. It is also insufficient to have a “fix it and leave” approach. The reality of this story is that the family did something to arrive at this clog–perhaps it was carrots? Eggshells? Potato skins? With all likelihood, they could get there again. They are without tools or an understanding of the problem. This leads to making things worse and sacrificing relationships because frustration at the problem needs somewhere to go. The therapy I want to offer people is one where tools and skills are not taught in isolation. The individual affected by an impasse (or clogged sink, in this story) understands how they arrived there, what contributed to it, and how to work through it when it happens again… if it happens again. The problems, achievements, and our identities all manifest in the relationships we have. Working through problems with the important people in our lives alongside us is the best bet we have for success. It can be nerve–wracking and angering, but also exciting and rewarding across a lifetime. If you are interested in hearing more about a new approach to “blockages” in your life and household, please set up a free 15 minute consultation with me. |