Tensions between parents and adolescent children are not battles to win nor problems to be solved. They are opportunities for closeness and companionship. Transforming tension into closeness is daunting. At times scary. It takes a high degree of emotional courage and brave love from parents to do so.
The seeming inevitability of this conflict has more to do with how we conceptualize our disagreements than the sides anyone takes. Tension is often seen as something to resolve. Political arguments are the quintessential example of this.
In my recent private practice work, fights over political issues now include families where everyone consumes the same sources of news and votes for the same candidates.
Frequently, household political arguments abruptly end with some version of “let’s agree to disagree” or “let’s not talk about this at all” when one side tires of fighting.
But I’d argue, tension is not to be “solved” and arguments are not to be “won.” Both are to be managed. Polarity in a household is good, if the house can hold it. Successful management looks like holding both sides of a disagreement simultaneously with equanimity, curiosity, and ultimately, appreciation. Trust that arriving at such a beautiful point is exhausting work at first, and rarely successfully stumbled upon.
I generally have 4 pieces of advice for families encountering conflict related to politics:
- AND>BUT: Political views are complex. We tend to simplify them by only paying attention to certain ones. Learning to see your argument and your opponent’s involves a well placed “and.” “I feel this way and you feel this way.” etc…opens the door to both sides of an argument being acknowledged and bringing tensions down.
- Not talking about politics is not OK: This can teach young people that certain things, including very important meaningful things, are off limits to their parents and care givers. See it as something to work through, not avoid. Navigating difficult political discussions sets a wonderful stage for other difficult conversations with your child later in life.
- Talk about personal values : As I wrote about in a previous post, when we are talking about political things, we often are using the same terms but unknowingly with different meanings. This is how agitation creeps into these conversations. When your teen is upset about a headline, find out what makes it matter to them. Do they value justice? Fairness? Work to understand where the energy and heat are coming from. You won’t be disappointed by what comes out.
- Consider consulting with a professional: Especially one who specializes in attachment based family therapy (ABFT). Setting the stage for connection amid so much conflict often takes professional help. Someone with a specialty in ABFT can help transition conflict into hearing each other’s hopes and dreams.
If any of this essay resonates with you, consider setting up a free virtual consultation with me by clicking here.