A case that will forever stay with me involved a young man and his mother.
The young man that therapy focused on was clearly resistant to the process. In turn, he would do things to muddle it. Most of the sessions with these two felt like trying to pull a stubborn tooth with no anesthetic.
As his mother and I tried to get to know what bothered him, he’d respond with one word answers, poor eye contact, and a frustrated tone. There was deep animosity towards both parents but to my trained eye and that of his loving mother, this animosity clearly hid intense pain and vulnerability.
Being new in my career, my enthusiasm for helping made me too rigid about how sessions progressed. I over-thought my beloved theories and framework. I didn’t meet this young man where he was and I pushed him too early in the process. Time and again I came across as inauthentic and frustrated when I met with him individually.
Despite me getting things wrong, therapy was still a success. I made mistakes, but therapy went as it should.
This came to light when the mother asked me a pointed question:
“What do the outcomes of this therapy even look like?”
Surprised because I had answered it on more than one occasion, I replied “I hoped you’d see depression in your son lessen, conflict in your home decrease, and he’d come to you to solve things when he’s stuck in life.”
As I spoke, her son interjected while holding a fidget spinner directly in front of his eyes. “We have.”
At this, I let go of a tense breath and his mom laughed.
Her chuckle confirmed that he was right.
I asked the boy “if you hadn’t entered into therapy with me, do you think you would have reached those same three things?”
“Who knows. But she did talk about coming back each week.”
The mom laughed again, then retorted:
“You did too!”
They HAD started doing those things throughout the course of therapy. This parent’s investment in the process and love for her son was enough to change things in a positive way. Through family therapy, she was able to show up for him in a new way. He followed suit and began showing up for her differently at home, during car rides, and when they found themselves spending down time together.
Therapy shouldn’t be complicated, though the situations that bring us to it can be. Attachment Based Family Therapy (the beloved framework that I mentioned earlier) works because it’s simple and it’s simple, because it works. Having two people in the room together with even a slight willingness to reconnect is enough to repair longstanding and deep wounds.
If you or someone you know might benefit from family therapy, consider setting up a free 15 minute consultation.